When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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