I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
