a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
