now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
