All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Found your dick twin last night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
