my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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