I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
