Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Randomize
