I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
