Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
