Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
