Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
