I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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