i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
