Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
