I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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