Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
She needs sedatives and a leash
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
