yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
