Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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