I just pynch a tree in the face
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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