It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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