I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
