Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
