I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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