Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
