fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
