How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
