my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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