Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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