Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
