Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
