Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
