have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
