My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
