ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
