Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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