Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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