the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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