He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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