i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize