So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
