I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
This baby is an asshole
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
