I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
