Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
