I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
