Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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