Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This house was built for laser tag.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
