hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
