Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
