I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We are all done wearing pants today
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
