T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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