she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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