Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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