quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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