i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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